Other Writing SOME OF BRUCE'S WRITING THAT DOESN'T FALL INTO A CATEGORY... A letter that was written for Rolling Stone but was never used "PRIDE" for CBC Radio One Rolling stone letter An open letter to our son: How excited we are that you got into the college of your choice for this, the second year in a row! And we are even more excited by the thought that this year you will actually go. We realize last year, you felt that following ‘the string cheese incident,’ on the road was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I know you think “we’re old and stupid” “and what does a chiropractor know about life anyway?” - And that might be true, but there was a time when I wasn’t a chiropractor and your father wasn’t an ostrich meat salesman. We went to college too and we would like to offer you a little advice. 1. Drink wisely -We’re older and we’ve experienced things you haven’t yet. So trust us when we tell you, that if you drink – buy a keg. It is much cheaper that way. And: 2. If you have to get really drunk (like for science class or something) do it in the basement, that way, you can’t fall down any stairs and hurt your head. 3. Mustard is a meal. America might not truly be free, but mustard sure is. Every cafeteria is full of “free samples.” Just take as many as you like. And if you eat a lot, you may develop a healthy “mustard glow” like your father did that the girls will mistake as an attractive sun tan. 4. Your teeth are important. So, if you have to “crash at” a young lady’s place to use her dental floss and toothpaste - We think it’s worth it. 5. In the morning: take some toilet paper, saying “I just wanted something to remember you by.” She’ll find it quite romantic. (How do you think I fell for your father?). 6. People die. Bad for them. Good for you. Every paper lists funeral services and at every funeral service there is food. If someone comes and asks, “did you know the deceased well?” if you say, “does anyone really know anyone?” – You won’t actually be lying. 7. Trick your landlord. We know how hard it is to “get together the green to make the scene.” So, if the first of the month comes, and you don’t have the money - Take some ‘police caution tape’ (there’s probably some in the theatre department) and place it across your front door. No landlord will dare cross, fearing the worst. 8. Face your future – taxes. We know it may be but a distant dream now, but one day you will be paying taxes. And to prepare for that, start saving receipts – Even dirty little pieces of paper you might pick up on the college grounds may one day save you. Because your father and I hope you’ll never know the pain of having the IRS hold you down and burn you with a crack pipe while they audit you. And if any of our loving suggestions go awry please remember: 9. Court-appointed lawyers aren’t that bad. Being young is not having the wisdom to know that one day you’ll be really old and tired and the most you can do - is give advice to your kids. So: 10. Have fun. While you can. "PRIDE" FOR CBC RADIO ONE I've been asked to talk about the wiliest of all the major sins. Pride. Why should I talk about pride? Because they asked me and I was too proud to say no. Which right there makes me an expert on the stuff. And, I like pride. It is not so obvious. So detectable. It's the vodka of sins. A mini-bar bottle of Silent Sam gulped each morning before a job you're too proud to admit that you hate. It doesn't even seem like a sin. "I have pride in my bowling trophies." " I take pride in my home." How bad can that be? But trust me folks, it is. It's the little sin that could. It's deceptive. Like how an enemy can be disguised as a friend, and how a nark can sometimes be disguised as a chiropractor. But that's another story. Pride is the most human of all sins. And like us - what is best about us - our strength, emotionality, our certainty in who we are, can also be what's worst about us. Strength taken too far = crazy. Certainty in who we are taken too far? It fills up history books. Pride causes men to wear wigs and girdles and such. It causes those to cheat thinking they're too smart to get caught. A teenager to start his own religion with himself as the boss. It fuels the cruel dad. It propels the "can you please do it right? mom." It makes God grimace. Ask the Skipper how they got to Gilligan's Island. And why did John Jr. fly his plane through the haze? He should have said, "Honey, I don't really know what I'm doing. Can we just go get a club house and cuddle?" She would have said, "yeah." I don't like to name drop - but, I phoned Pizza Nova once and I asked for my usual Hawaiian. I said, "Operator number 17, or whatever her name was, can I have a medium Hawaiian with extra pineapples?" And she said, "Sir, you have ordered 81 pizzas in the last four months from us. You can have whatever you want." I muttered something about having broken my jaw and being confined to "blender pizzas." I was too proud to admit that - well, I was in a phase of my life that made Willie Loman look like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. I was lonely. But, too proud to admit it. I'd wander around in my pajamas, playing my electronic solitaire game standing up. In the afternoon - there was junk mail and I was the waiting "occupant." I watched cooking shows, but never cooked. Even my dog got bored. See, I was having trouble with my girlfriend at the time. In fact, the relationship was so unfulfilling even then I considered her "my girlfriend at the time." If I had been tough enough, or better yet, SOFT enough, I would have admitted "listen honey, we picked the wrong ones. You are A NICE LADY AND YOU SURE DO SMELL GOOD, but you're not for me." Then I would have done the honorable thing, taken my bag of receipts and left. But I was proud. Why would I have the bad judgement to pick a crazy girl? And trust me, she was crazy. And not in a good way. So, I went to couples therapy with her. But, as it turned out, it wasn't therapy for us, it was therapy for her. I think it was a bad sign when I realized it was taking place in a mental institution. And as that metal door locked behind me, I realized, "uh oh." We sat down and the therapist asked if I felt hopeful about our relationship. I mumbled something about how I'd been watching "Eraserhead" a lot lately and it had inspired me to try again. She turned to my then girlfriend and asked her the same question. Her answer? She took out a tape recorder, placed it on the desk and said, "I want to play something. It's a tape I've made of me singing my pain: Whoaaaoooo. Whooooaaa. Oooohhhhhhh." Pride. You crafty devil. I don't like to name drop - but, I took a two-year program at Mount Royal Community College. And, no, if you come over to my house I can't actually SHOW you the diploma - but that's not the point. I took business because I thought, "Well, I've had a full youth." I've had my head kicked in. I've snuck into the kitchen of A&W and stolen food off the grill. I've taken my friend's grad suit and lowered it out the window of my apartment with my fishing rod until someone on the street took it. I have done all the things that one's youth should include. I knew it was time to settle down. I didn't want to end up a loser. Or worse, a failure. Even then I realized a failure is a loser who has reached full potential. Why was it so important to not be a loser, to be in fact what is called a success?...Pride.I did what others have done. I tried to muscle success and I didn't know what I was doing. I took business because I thought business men know about success. Of course I hated business and it hated me. I wasn't organized. I didn't have good business acumen. I wore nurses' shoes and kept my notes in a green garbage bag that I slung over my shoulder and eventually forgot in a bar. How did I do? My first year's percentile was...well, let's just say it's about what my agent gets. If we had a transcript of our lives, what would it reveal? The history of the world is made up of a lot of things that SEEMED like a good idea at the time. If you don't believe me, just look in your closet. I went to my Aunt's house. She was sick. Really sick. Too sick for ginger ale sick. But, she was a proud woman. Stubborn to a fault. She baked her own bread. Shoveled her own sidewalk. I'd come to see her, but still she was serving me the sweetest juice imaginable. She grimaced and dropped her tray all over the TV. My Uncle was a man of action. He delivered pizzas for a living well into his seventies. He said, "We've got to get you to the hospital." At the door, she looked down at her feet. "Well, I'm not going to the hospital in these old slippers. I'll look like a bloody fool." And so we waited while in the next room my aunt changed into her new slippers. It took her forever, and I think that made the difference. She died in my Uncle's pizza delivery car. The proud sweet thing. I couldn't help but think, its been over thirty minutes, I guess she's free. The saddest joke that stand up comedians tell all the time is how a man can not ask for directions. A guy will be driving along and say, "this doens't look familiar, better keep going." This is true. This is the joke of mankind, the beauty and stubborness of man. A guy looking forlornly under the hood of a car having no idea what's wrong. Only something is wrong. This is pride. A man raising a family when in reality what he wants to do is lay in a fetal position sucking his cell phone like a fogotten finger saying, "who am I, mommy? How did I get here? Why can't I tell these people I am alone?" - But, you're not alone, because we all are. So, let's not be too proud to admit we are all the same. We all crave warm breath on us. We all like French fries. We all want somewhere to go and someone to be there when we arrive. Our lives mostly matter to us. Our failures mostly matter to us. So, let's not do only what we're good at. Let's not count on what little we know. Because pride, like my Aunt's "new slippers" can not protect us. In its amalgam, pride is all us people doing what we think is right, never considering the possibility that we are wrong. People continuing to hum their simple tunes to themselves as they dig, drown and die. Pride wafts through the forests, changes the cities, and tunnels into our earth.