MOVIE BUDDIES



The theme from Broke back Mountain plays.

UP ON : two older couples watching (the ending) of the film. Bruce (a man) holds back tears, as his wife Dave, checks her watch. Scott (a man) is transfixed and trying badly to hide it while his wife Kevin, yawns, goes through her purse - whatever.

Movie over they start up to leave.

DAVE
(not impressed)
Brokeback Mountain? More like Brokeback narrative.

BRUCE
I want to watch the credits.

The others go to leave but Bruce keeps watching the credits role on the imaginary screen. His wife goes to pull him along -he recoils violently.

DAVE (cont’d)
Well look who’s a cinefile.

KEVIN
(to Bruce)
Are you crying?

BRUCE
Somewhat...

SCOTT
(panicked)
Come on buddy pull yourself together!

DAVE
Why on earth would you be crying?

BRUCE
Um ... yes I am crying - it’s just with the price of tickets and treats movies are getting so expensive these days.

The women ‘buy it’.

DAVE
(sweetly)
Oh you men and your manly worries...

SCOTT
Yep. Women shop and men go off to war!

The women laugh as the men regroup.

BRUCE (CONT’D)
(secretly to Scott)
Finally Hollywood got it right.

Table set, they walk into a restaurant.

DAVE
There now, it wasn’t so bad us coming along on your precious little movie nights, was it?

BRUCE
I enjoyed the movie.

KEVIN
Can’t believe it took twenty years.

BRUCE
Has it been that long?

SCOTT
Yeah.

Mark as a super camp waiter comes over.

MARK
(to Bruce and Scott)
Hi ... Girlfriends…

KEVIN
We’re the girls silly.

SCOTT
I’d like to order.
(Points at wedding ring)

MARK
(shock)
Okey dokey ... Drinks?

KEVIN
Diet coke!

DAVE
Diet scotch.

SCOTT
Just a glass of mountain water.

BRUCE
Me too... I’ll have mountain water -it will feel so good on my aching lips.

MARK
(that army thing)
Who-ah...

He walks off.

SCOTT
That Little Lord Fontleroy seems a little light in the loafers to me...

KEVIN
So... what did everyone think of the movie?

Scott shoots Bruce a “don’t talk” look.

KEVIN (cont’d)
Well I loved it!

BRUCE
You did!?

KEVIN
Yes it was heart-breaking in its beauty. I’m talking about the scenery of course!

KEVIN
(to Dave)
And you?


DAVE
Bor-ing....

BRUCE
(bursting)
What do you know about movies you fucking cunt!

DAVE
I think your blood sugar is a little low. Have a bread stick.

BRUCE
What didn’t you like about the movie darling?

DAVE
Well it was unrealistic for starters... To think that that could be going on for all these twenty years... Under the noses of those clueless wives. Those silly laughing wives.

The wives laugh as Mark comes back with the drinks.

MARK
Mountain water for the girls and ...for the beards...
He puts down the drinks and goes.

KEVIN
We’re the girls silly.

MARK
Whoo-ah!

Mark walks off.

BRUCE
I thought that movie was perfect. Every bit of it was beautiful. That movie was for us men. Things that only men know.

DAVE
Like what?

BRUCE
Like for example cocks.

SCOTT
Like when two men share a tent and a guy wakes up with morning-wood, it can be embarrassing.

BRUCE
(slowly starts to rise)
Embarrassing? Or is it beautiful? Like if one fella isn’t so sure if it’s morning-wood, or if it’s really the sound of the other fella’s heart singing his song? And he wants to hear his heart sing. Feel his heart singing his song, and he says to the other fella, “Do you want to hear my heart sing? Do you want to hear my song? Do you want my song inside of you?” And the other feller says, “Sure, sing it loud, sing it fast, sing it strong.”

Scott pulls him down. A beat.

DAVE
You guys know a lot about movies.

KEVIN
Well I liked the scenery.

DAVE
You saw Walk the Line, what was that about again?

SCOTT
-about tightrope walkers.

DAVE
I thought it was about Johnny Cash?

SCOTT
Oh, he was in it.

DAVE/KEVIN
Oh.

DAVE
What about Crash?

KEVIN
What was that about again?

Bruce and Scott look caught.

BRUCE
The stock market.

SCOTT
NASCAR.

KEVIN
What was King Kong about?

BRUCE
(suddenly certain)
Jaws was about a big fish!

The women just stare.

KEVIN
For guys who have been going to movie together for years - no matter what else is happening in your lives - you don’t seem to remember much about them. Is there something going on?

BRUCE
(bursting)
I need a few minutes alone - I’m going to the washroom to watch a movie.

Dramatically Bruce leaves.

KEVIN
(off: Bruce)
The Oscar race is very emotional for some people.

SCOTT
I’m just gonna go see if there’s anything I can do. Lend a helping hand.

Scott leaves.

KEVIN
There is something up with those two...

DAVE
Well, you promise not to tell anyone? He’s got some erectile dysfunction.

KEVIN
What about Viagra?

DAVE
He takes it by the fistful but he just gets frustrated and goes off to the movies.

KEVIN
Have you considered porn?

DAVE
Ah… I’m too old to go back to work.

LIGHTS FADE.