SPIGOT


Music: GET OUT OF MY DREAMS by Billy Ocean plays. Bruce and Mark - roughly resembling the seminar guys - bound out on stage.

MARK
Wow! What a great group!

BRUCE
And what a great song!

MARK
And what I love about that song is - it isn’t technically part of the scene so we don’t have to pay royalties for it.

BRUCE
What I love is its theme. The theme of dreams. You know I have a dream.

MARK
You do?

BRUCE
Sure I do. Each morning I wake up and I say, Today, I hope that my pants fit.

MARK
Well you’re not alone - I think a lot of good Americans are feeling that way these days.
News flash.

MARK AND BRUCE
America – you’re getting kinda chubby.

MARK
Everywhere we go people are saying the same thing?

MARK AND BRUCE
I’m fat as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.

Applause.

BRUCE
That’s the reason it’s called Middle America. We’ve been supporting the troops over-seas by traveling to their home towns and cheering up their wives--lifting their spirits singing patriotic karaoke. Buying them drinks because a lot of those families have been hard hit financially--In doing so, I met one such lady. I won’t mention her name because we didn’t get around to asking for it. But we refer to her as the red head. She started telling me her dream of becoming a plus-size model. But frankly, I don’t think she has the face for it. And the poor thing just couldn’t get rid of her freshman fifteen - or her drive thru - fifty-two.

MARK
May I tell a story?

BRUCE
Would you please? Huh?

MARK
We were in a small Texas town ... I don’t remember the name.

BRUCE
I think it was Red Head.

A look.

MARK
Right. We were in Red Head Texas and I met a fat young American. He was morbidly obese but not in a way that would eventually kill him ...

BRUCE
Right...

MARK
He said to me I want to loose weight but I’m working at a job 6, 7 hours a day. By the time I get off work, get drunk and drive home, I’m so tired all I can to do is eat cheese.

BRUCE
-Wow. Iíve heard that story a million times.

MARK
I’d love to play with my child but really when I get home, I think about putting cheese on him and eating him.

BRUCE
But eating all that cheese didn’t help him feel better about his low self-esteem?

MARK
No it didn’t. So he started lying down in a vat of it. He filled up his Walmart hot tub with cheese sauce.

BRUCE
Sure. Sounds reasonable to me.

MARK
But it still wasn’t enough. So he started shooting it. Started shooting bubbling cheese into his own American veins. I’ll never forget him turning to me, cheese-colored tears dripping down his face, which he whipped away and ate... And he said to me that things had gotten so bad that he was on the verge of starting to think about considering going on a diet. In the foreseeable future.

BRUCE
Wow, what a story.

MARK
Thank you.

BRUCE
I was riveted by the twist ending, about shooting cheese... I bet that fat American tried everything he could think of, to lose that weight.

MARK
Yep.

BRUCE
He tried wiring his jaw shut?

MARK
Yes, he did it himself.

BRUCE
Probably even got his stomach stapled, so it became the size of a pair of rolled up gym socks?


MARK
Tried that too.

BRUCE
Suppose he tried exercise.

MARK
No, I don’t think he tried exercise. But you heard the story! He was down at that call-center working 5, 6 hours a day. He’s busy!

BRUCE
But this is America! Where is the government to solve our problems? Shouldn’t they be doing something?

MARK
And what about good old American know-how? Why can’t we invent a product to help lose all this irksome fat?!

BRUCE
Well, I have.

MARK
Whaa-aat! You have?

BRUCE
Yep!

MARK
Why didn’t you say so?

BRUCE
Didn’t want to boast.

MARK
Well tell us about it.

BRUCE
It’s called the gut spigot.

MARK
Gut spigot? Sounds like an exciting new product. How’s it work?

BRUCE
Here, take a look.

They project a mocked up and obviously hilarious picture of a fat gut with an old fashioned faucet coming out of the bellybutton.

BRUCE
All of us are covered in skin or an ectolayer and the stomach beneath has between an inch to a yard of fat. And how the gut spigot works is it goes directly into your stomach so that you can actually drain away your fat. It’s quite simple really.

MARK
That is simple. Why didn’t I think of it?

BRUCE
You were busy with that red-head.

They laugh.

MARK
Hold it! But I’m really, really fat, so obviously I care about how I look. Is this amazing new invention unsightly?

BRUCE
Not really. Feast your eyes on this… I’m wearing one right now.

Bruce pulls up his shirt, revealing a hose faucet sticking out from his bellybutton. Mark is impressed.

MARK
Did it work?

BRUCE
I’ve lost 32 pounds.

MARK
Really?

BRUCE
And if you don’t believe me, I’ll go get it. Here it is.

He walks offstage and picks up a clear pail full of yellowish liquid.

MARK
Wow, give that fat a hand!

Applause.

MARK
Ok, I see that your fat spigot works. But hold on a minute. This fat spigot seems like a lot of work. This fat looks heavy. But hey am I gonna have to go to Switzerland to get this fat spigot installed?

BRUCE
No, the fat spigot is as easy to install as a car speaker.

MARK
Do I have to get up in the middle of the night to throw it into my neighbors yard? Or take it to some facility’ where I have to fill out a lot of paper work. You heard me, I’m down at the call center stuffing envelopes 3, 4 hours a day-

BRUCE
-you burn it.

MARK
You burn it? A liquid that burns! Sounds like gasoline!

BRUCE
Yep. Americans are addicted to oil the same way it seems to be addicted to cheese. With this gut spigot America can use it’s own ingenuity and it’s own resources to solve both problems. Just attach your gut spigot right into your SUV and just keep on driving.

MARK
Wow… Wait a minute, are you saying the solution to America’s energy problems lies beneath the tent dress of that redhead from Texas and a fat spigot?

BRUCE
Yes, our past meals are our future.

MARK
Take that Mohammed! Americans have a message for you.

MARK AND BRUCE
“We’re fat as hell and we’re not going to waste it anymore!”


The music starts up again.