There is this new thing that I feel compelled to tell you about. Just the title that I will mutter that will make your posture melt, will make you want to curl up in a puddle and cuddle a compilation of Far Side cartoons, for clarity. Just the phrase I will murmur will make you want to stare into your parent's fridge for comfort.

Do you think I overstated it? I don't. I don't know from where it springs. I heard about it, though. Not through the grapevine. I don't have a grapevine. I have three or four friends with specific skills and limited, but valuable insights that I rotate as per my needs. But they don't really know each other. They're like sub-contractors who never work on the job at the same time. I didn't hear it through the grapevine. I heard it in a Hyundai. That hopeless, hopeful make. Get ready. (A Drum pounds) "Couples' Party.

Ouch. Burr...If you're weak, cover your ears. It's comin' again. "Couples' Party." Have you heard of these things? "Couples' Parties." Just the feel of the phrase in my mouth makes me want to brush my teeth. Makes me want to shave my head and start again. Makes me want to shave my age and slut around. "Couples' Party."

Apparently, behind closed doors, they happen all the time. I know. I heard it in a Hyundai. It's the new, new thing. Want to have one? Want to come? Want to couple up? Show up? Be paired up?

What do they do? Sit around, reading fucking Noah's Ark...as the world goes marching two by two. They say things to each other like, "What did WE think of that movie?" My God, for the love of baby Jesus. It's hard enough to go to any party. To actually show up somewhere where you're supposed to talk and say stuff like, "So and I'm sorry, what is it you do again?" Or, what's worse to "party." I can get juiced in my own hut, thanks. I can crank the Black Crowes, lying on my back, head on my football and scream to my empty house. "I'm sorry, what is it you do again?" all by myself, thanks.

And to be a couple...I'm not even talking about a matching windbreakers kind of couple. I'm talkin' about the cuts his hair and looks like shit but it doesn't matter "cause they're not goin' anywhere" kind of couple. I'm not talkin' about a "have more pie and fart in bed and get fat but it doesn't matter "cause we're gettin' fat together" couple. I mean to be any kind of couple. It's hard enough to decide on anything at any time. To decide on a movie or agree on what you're gonna order on a pizza is a feat in itself.

But imagine being a couple and goin' to a party all at once. It's like, impossible. It's like that trick where you can pat your head and rotate your tummy with your hand at the same time. With practice you can do it. But it doesn't mean anything.